I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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