he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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