My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
