So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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