i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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