Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
