im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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