He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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