Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize