Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
