I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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