Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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