I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize