Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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