Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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