I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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