Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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