i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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