I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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