maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
