Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
