my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize