No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
