I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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