Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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