I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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