I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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