i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
