This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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