It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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