dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i wish my penis had a tongue
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
