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• (858): View more from California

  I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth

  (1-858): View more from California

  Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?

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• (810): View more from Michigan

  we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.

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• (801): View more from Utah

  He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid

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• (506): View more from New Brunswick

  The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker

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• (512): View more from Texas

  I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.

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• (917): View more from New York City

  Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.

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• (504): View more from Louisiana

  They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.

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• (702): View more from Nevada

  I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.

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• (916): View more from California

  hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.

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