I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
