I cockslap morals
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
