Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
my poor anus
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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