woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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