i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize
