I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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