why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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