Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
