I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
