you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize