There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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