I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
