do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
im six kinds of drunk right now
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Even my vagina gasped.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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