she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
