note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
