if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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