Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
