his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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