some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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