Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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