You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
