I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
