Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
