Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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