so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
