eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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