So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
