i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize