My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
