I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
