So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
