It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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