Your face is a jimmy john
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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