Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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