Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
