I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
