Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
