How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
it glows. i had to have it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize