Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Randomize
