The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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